Growing Up Playing Pretend
My Journey from the Painfully Shy Child to The Everyday Actor
By Ryan Wesley Gray
Family Photo (1996)
Growing up, I was the kid that would bury my face into my parent’s side and whisper to them what to say to avoid making eye contact or speaking up to anyone that wasn’t my mom, dad, or older brother.
I was ALWAYS scared of looking or sounding stupid, so I used to practice over and over the lines I had to say such as, “Hello, I’m Ryan” and “When I grow up, I want to be an archeologist”. You know… Important kid’s stuff.
When I was 5 or 6, we had a family dinner where I had to say hello to my aunt and uncles when they arrived – which terrified me. I had practiced my lines, yet what came out was - “Hi uncle Ken. Hi uncle Kelvin. Hi UNCLE Virginia…”. An innocent mistake, but when everyone laughed, I had never felt so stupid or embarrassed. I ran to hid behind the couch to cry and stayed there for hours. I’ve never forgotten that day.
Playing Pretend
Starting Kindergarten, I had no idea how to make friends or talk to other kids. Most days I would sit and play by myself. One day though, and I don’t remember how, I made my first friend on my own: ‘Alex’; who today is still my best friend.
Growing up our favourite games were the ones where we played pretend. I loved pretending because I could make mistakes and look and sound as silly as I wanted to. It wasn’t ME; it was just the person I was pretending to be and I could be anyone or do anything I could imagine. I didn’t realize it back then but by playing pretend I was using the creativity I was afraid would embarrass me, to build my confidence and make friends. The whole time I simply thought we were playing. It wasn’t till a Jr. High religion project where we had to act out scenes about the 10 commandments, that I even knew I had been ‘acting’ or that I was any good at it. The next year I took my first drama class, here I could keep playing pretend – just in a different way.
Alex (left) & Ryan (right) (1998)
Musical Theatre: Lion King (2009)
The ‘Theatre Kid’
In grade 10, I was cast in my first show and on the first day of rehearsals, I stood alone in a corner, quietly panicking. Everyone in the cast was already friends, older than me, and much more talented. I thought to myself, “I don’t belong here”. However, a grade 12 student who was part of the cast walked right up to me and said, “you know you don’t have to stand here by yourself… you can talk to people, we’re all friendly”.
This was the first time I remember thinking, “maybe I could be as comfortable speaking up and being myself off stage as much as I am on stage - if I try”. I knew this meant I’d have to risk making mistakes, and possibly looking or sounding stupid, but for the first time I wanted to try to be as open and vulnerable in my day-to-day life as I had been during years of playing pretend.
That brief moment convinced me to go all in. I enrolled in every drama course and auditioned for every show. Eventually, I started to become known as “the theatre kid” at school and even won a scholarship for my work and leadership in my school’s drama program.
High School Scholarship & Award Ceremony (2010)
As You Like It Rehearsal (2008)
Acting for a Living
Graduating high school, I was told “if you are passionate about anything you can make a career out of it”. I was nervous but I followed my heart to study theatre, and I have no regrets. Nowadays, I am fearless speaking and performing in-front of crowds and have done all kinds of performances. From Shakespeare (which I am trained in) all the way to things like rap parody, (where I had I NO IDEA what I’m doing) but I’m always excited to be on stage!
U of C Student Orientation Show (2013)
Hamlet- Shakespeare by the Bow (2015)
I didn’t just learn how to act or project my voice; over the years working in theatre, I’ve learned and developed invaluable skills like creative problem solving, effective communication, team collaboration, and project management. Today, I use all of those skills on a daily basis working as an actor, writer, front of house manager, teacher, and communications specialist.
The Everyday Actor
Growing up. the last thing anyone expected was that I’d become an actor, me especially. As a kid, I had little to no confidence or self-esteem, and I felt nervous and guilty all the time. Today, that is not the case, and I am happy and fulfilled.
Playing pretend has given me many things, the most important being how to love and accept myself for who I am. I know now that I am enough and am just as deserving of all the love and joy that life can bring, and that I can bring love and joy to others’ lives by simply being me. Which I found; ironically; by playing pretend as someone else.
There will always be tough days, and we all have our doubts, but on the days when it feels the hardest, remember that you can always play pretend.
About Ryan Wesley Gray
Ryan Wesley Gray is a theatre, TV & film artist born, raised, and still hailing from Calgary AB where he works as an actor, playwright, Front of House Manager, and children’s theatre educator. Ryan originally joined Quest in 2014/2015 as an intern and remains a member of their Artist in Residency Team. He has also worked with various Calgary arts organizations such as The GRAND, Theatre Calgary, One Yellow Rabbit, and Down Stage Theatre. Alongside his artistic work, he is in the process of obtaining his bachelor’s in communications and works as a communications consultant. Ryan relaxes by spending quality time with his wife, Tatiana and cat, Clifford, as well as reading, weightlifting, and online gaming with friends.
Instagram @uhhhhryan
